The Best Thing About God

by Tom Bray

“What’s the best thing about God?” Father Berrin adjusted one leg of the tripod and looked at something behind the camera.

“Erm... erm...” Lexi fidgeted her fingers. “That He is... everywhere.”

Father Berrin laughed. “You kids,” he said, opening out the small screen, flipping it over, then clicking it back into place on the back of the mounted camera. “Never fail to amuse me.”

He looked between Lexi and the camera, scratched at his chin through a carpet of black facial hair, then removed his glasses. “Not the best thing in my book,” he said, followed by a short, rapid breath on each lens. He continued talking while rubbing his glasses between the black fabric of his cassock: “Is it really so good being everywhere, all the time? I think not. Too much to take in. Too much to deal with. Too much... disappointment.” A sudden, quiet crack was magnified in the silence as he finished speaking. “Cheap pair, broken,” he mumbled, and placed the glasses on a side table, but still positioned to face Lexi, as though he now had an extra pair of eyes ominously observing her.

Squinting, he looked back in her direction. “No, the best thing for me is that He forgives.” He smiled. Lexi didn’t. “Forgives all sorts, if you ask for it, if you mean it. And we need that forgiveness, don’t we, Lexi, because what happens if we don’t ask for forgiveness for our sins?”

Her mouth was suddenly dry. She had to swallow hard and quickly rinse the inside with saliva. “We... erm... we go to... Hell.”

“Correct,” he said, still smiling. “An eternity of pain and suffering, and so on.”

Lexi was clasping three fingers so tight in the opposite hand that the tips were turning purple.

“But what can not be forgiven?”

Lexi’s mouth briefly bobbed open and closed like a fish, but she didn’t reply. The top half of Berrin’s head was momentarily lost in shadow as he leaned slightly forward, which Lexi wasn’t sure if she found comforting or unnerving.

“Revealing the secret work of a Man of God.” He used one hand to gesture to himself. Lexi may have only been at the age where the concept of religion was starting to make sense in the tangible meaning it had to the everyday lives of those she shared a pew with every Sunday, but she still knew what the priest meant by that phrase. “Which is why the activities in this room will always remain secret, yes? Even your parents knowing about the goings-on here would condemn you all to fiery, endless suffering. Do you understand?”

Lexi gulped, feeling one arm tremble and her stomach tighten. She nodded slowly.

“Excellent!” he boomed, causing her to jump. “Now, we need this evening’s second player. Two ticks.”

He walked over to the only door, which led to a room that reminded Lexi of her school classroom; grey, plastic chairs plonked around rectangular tables, with colourful displays of art and word banners across every wall. She much preferred that room to this one; pretty much anything was better than here, where she had to follow the instructions of the Parish priest, who also undertook babysitting duties in the neighbourhood. No one could be trusted more than a Man of God. Fortunately, Lexi’s parents had never left her in that position in their own home, but at Thursday evening Church Group, there was no such good fortune.

She heard the chatter of her peers as Father Berrin unbolted the lock and opened the door just wide enough to poke his head around. “Glen, can I borrow Robin now?”

A chair screeched and Berrin held open the door barely any wider than it already was for Robin’s scrawny frame to fit through. The freckled-faced boy was two years above Lexi at school, but he always seemed younger. She’d once asked her mum why he was so quiet, why he sat in the corner of the Church Group classroom lining up crayons on the wooden countertop, and was told he had a condition she couldn’t now remember the name of.

Berrin pointed towards Lexi, and Robin began walking over, head bowed, eyes always on the floor, like he was constantly checking for an untied lace. With a brief look-up, he caught Lexi’s eye, smiled, more of a grimace, then sent his gaze straight back to his feet.

Once Robin was beside her, Berrin stood back behind the camera setup, with the door to the classroom once again closed and bolted. He took a deep breath in and instinctively shot up one hand to clutch at his chest and appeared to squeeze as he gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. Lexi shivered. She looked at Robin who was still looking at his feet, vacant and oblivious.

“OK,” Father Berrin said, opening his eyes with a long exhale, recomposing himself and pressing a button on top of the camera, which created a short, sharp whirring sound. “You both know the story of Adam and Eve, and you know they didn’t wear clothes.”

**

Four weeks later, four more Sunday services in the presence of Father Berrin, and four more Church Group evenings, Lexi knew what was expected of her. Most nights, after being tucked up in her bed, kissed goodnight and lights out, she cried. She didn’t fully know why, but it just felt like she had to, like she was crying away the humiliating discomfort of the latest Thursday evening session, and holding it in around her parents only made it worse.

It was the midpoint of her February half-term break and nothing had been planned until her dad announced upon arriving home that he’d managed to get some last-minute time off and had taken up an offer from Father Berrin to use his lakeside lodge for an extended weekend. Lexi’s mum was delighted. Lexi, not so much. She didn’t like it, but at least Berrin wouldn’t be there, she hoped.

Travelling there wasn’t a pleasant experience, with Lexi growing more and more anxious as the SatNav counted down the miles to their destination, then on pins as they entered the lodge park, expecting Berrin to be there to welcome them, causing her to slump right down from view in the backseat as though it’d make any difference. But he was nowhere to be seen and had left the lodge key exactly where he’d told her dad it would be. Lexi’s mum cooed about the decor, and her dad just loved being away with them both, so Lexi put on a brave face, despite knowing who could show up at any moment.

Relaxing on the fancy three-piece suite the following afternoon after a walk around the lodge park and into a nearby village for lunch, Lexi was jolted back into reality from her colouring book with a knock at the lodge door. She squeezed up into one corner as her dad went to answer.

“Berrin!” she heard him say, cheerfully, the door blocking her view of their visitor, but her heart sinking nonetheless. “I wondered if we’d be seeing you. Please, come on in.”

Lexi wrapped her arms around her body, pleading him to refuse.

“I don’t mean to intrude on your stay, Henry. My mother lives nearby, so I just thought I’d stop by on my way and see how you’re all getting on.”

“Not at all. It’s superb. Even the weather’s been excellent for the time of year.”

Lexi relaxed. It didn’t sound as though he’d be coming in, or staying long, after all.

“I don’t know if you’ve been around here before,” she heard Berrin say, “but I must recommend the Italian in the village down the road. Their evening menu is one of the best in the region. I was going to head there on my way home later. I don’t suppose you three fancy joining me?”

Lexi tensed up again. Her colouring book fell to the floor. This was unbearable.

“Oh, right,” her dad said. “Well, as it happens we didn’t have any plans. I guess what we brought can wait. What time does the evening menu start?”

“7pm, I believe.”

“Ahh, I’m afraid that’d push us back too much for getting Lexi to bed; wouldn’t want to rush.”

“Oh, of course.” The despair in Berrin’s voice sounded ever so slightly forced. “Sorry, Henry, I didn’t even think.” He paused. “It’d be a huge shame for you and Vi to miss out, and I bet the pair of you haven’t had a proper Valentine’s Day meal out in years, so if you did want to sample it, I could watch Lexi for a couple of hours.”

Lexi held her breath.

“We couldn’t possibly ask you to do that.”

She began exhaling slowly, her chest and legs shuddering, vibrating the sofa.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’d be happy to. I’ve sat for plenty of young ‘uns back home. I could be around for when you leave, play a couple of games, then see that she gets to bed OK.”

Sweating, Lexi clasped her hands in silent yet desperate prayer.

“Won’t we struggle getting a table at such short notice on Valentine’s?”

Yes! Lexi wanted to scream.

“Just say my name when you get there and they’ll squeeze you in.” Berrin sounded more jolly than ever. “Honestly, it’s no problem at all.”

Lexi squeezed her palms together as hard as she could.

“Well, if you’re absolutely sure?”

“Of course!”

“Appreciate it. See you just before 7 then?”

Lexi felt sick.

“See you then!”

She stared at the door long after her dad had closed it, said something to her in his usual upbeat voice, which she only heard as distorted noise, and gone off to ready himself for a very different evening to the one she’d now be having.

**

6.30pm. Lexi had bathed, eaten three small bites of a meal she’d have wolfed down in normal circumstances, and now sat in front of a TV show she couldn’t focus on no matter how hard she tried. She’d been quiet since leaving home the previous morning, so her parents hadn’t thought anything was wrong since Berrin’s impromptu visit, and there seemed to be no indication of them changing their minds or plans. Her dad was about to shower and her mum was drying her hair. Lexi considered faking illness, but she’d never been very convincing when trying that in the past. She didn’t know what else to do to avoid spending an evening with the off-duty priest. Her pyjamas were damp with sweat, and she felt like throwing back up the handful of food she had managed to consume.

6.40pm. He’d be here any minute. She could imagine him being early. But Lexi now had a plan: she would go missing, just for a while, just until it was too late for her parents to go out and for Father Berrin to babysit her, then return. It seemed like a good plan given the limited options. She heard the shower still running and her mum singing away to a ballad in the bedroom while she finalised her make-up, so Lexi slipped on her coat and trainers, and sneaked out.

It was much colder than she expected, despite there being no breeze. Everything seemed very quiet and still. She attempted to follow the route of the gravel road they’d driven in on from the park entrance, but took one spur-of-the-moment diversion for fear of coming face-to-face with Berrin’s approaching car, and was completely lost. Lights were on in very few of the other lodges, not that their dull orange glows were much help anyway. It was very dark, and every faint noise – perhaps a distant car, a door closing, the hoot of an owl, or the flapping of bat wings – made Lexi stop and look around.

After a few minutes, still not having encountered another person, she came to the edge of the lake, but couldn’t tell if it was a part they’d walked along earlier. Everything looked the same. She followed the path along the edge and soon arrived at the park boundary, marked by a gravelled, single-track road that disappeared into blackness to her right – the same blackness that the path ahead continued into, presumably all around the lake – and to her left transitioned into a small boarded platform projecting out above the water. Lexi saw a couple of small rowing boats bobbing about below the boards, knocking against the wooden pillars. Faint moonlight shone on some bunched-up sheeting on both, covering more than enough room for a little girl to safely hide until it was far too late for her parents to go out.

As she approached the little jetty, Lexi heard a faint crunch of gravel and turned just as two headlights came into view and locked onto her, expanding in their amber brightness. If it was the police, she didn’t want to run, although she had hoped her parents would have come searching for her first, screaming her name. She hadn’t heard anything.

The car stopped some way from her, then started up again, before coming to a halt much closer. The engine was still humming and the lights were still blaring onto her as the door opened on the driver side and someone got out, completely hidden in the background darkness.

“Lexi?” She knew the voice right away. Not the police. Not anyone she wanted here right now. “What are you doing here?” Father Berrin stepped forward so he was partially in the light. “Do your parents know you're out here?” He sounded genuinely concerned.

She stared at him with no intention of replying. Unbelievably, her attempt at escaping the monster had led her straight to him. She felt foolish, and wanted her parents more than anything at that moment, but even if she ran, she didn’t know how to get back to the right lodge. She knew, however, that she wasn’t going anywhere with the priest.

She turned and looked at the lake, then back at him. He seemed to know what she was thinking. “Lexi...” he said, firmly, like he was calling back a disobedient dog. “Don’t you even...” She spun around and sprinted towards the water, down the jetty, footsteps thudding on the boards, and jumped.

At first, nothing, only submerged freedom, then her body raged, like every inch of her skin was being tightly pinched between sharp fingernails. Her heart pounded as though it was attempting to break free of the freezing shell it was now contained within. She screamed out of pure instinct and instantly gagged as water gushed inside her mouth, impossible not to swallow by the pint-load, straight to her lungs. Lexi thrashed about, losing a shoe as she flapped and kicked for the surface, which felt like fighting against being flushed down a drain. She reemerged spluttering, coughing and straining for breath, disoriented and numb, but still alert to danger. She thought she heard her name, then definitely heard a splash. Father Berrin must have jumped in. She had to swim, but had no idea which direction was away from him. Her arms were shaking, her legs felt useless, and her head almost dipped under the surface again, saved by an agonising effort to stay afloat.

“Lexi, grab the ring!” Berrin was shouting from an unseen position. She swept her sodden fringe out of her face and saw a blurry figure standing on the edge of the jetty. The orange and white lifebuoy came into view beside her, rocking on the waves of her splashes. “Grab it now!”

She was going nowhere near him. She took a deep breath, allowed her legs to float upwards, then took off swimming away from the ring, the jetty, and Father Berrin’s clutches, growing more accustomed to the icy water. She only knew one proper stroke, but that’s all she needed. She would swim until she reached the other side, wherever that was. She would swim until she couldn’t swim any more.

“Lexi, stop! Lexi!”

She didn’t.

There was then a much louder splash behind her. It must’ve been Berrin this time, but she didn’t dare look back. She kept going, forcing her arms and legs through a burning, constricting pain she’d been trying immensely hard to ignore. Every few strokes she felt her limbs weakening, then would think she heard her name in the midst of her smacks on the water, or something brush against her now-shoeless feet, and thrust herself forwards again with a rediscovered, terrified burst of energy.

Fast, four strokes. Slow, three strokes.

Fast, three strokes... slow, two strokes...

Fast, two strokes... slow, one stroke...

Fast, one stroke... slow...

Her legs were dipping. Her arms couldn’t fully extend. She was taking in almost as much water as air. Through stinging, exhausted eyes she couldn’t see anything but darkness. She made one final reach forward, and allowed herself to drift, hoping, praying, that she’d float to safety.

**

Lexi sat in her usual spot in her usual pew, losing her concentration on the sermon for the umpteenth time. Being back here was always going to be strange, but her mum insisted it would help. It was three weeks since the incident at the lodge, since Father Berrin had jumped into the freezing lake after her, only for the shock of the impact to ignite a hidden heart condition and he died before even managing to get into full flow; his last act in desperation, yelling for help. Lexi was eventually pulled out of the water unconscious after residents of nearby lodges heard the shouts. She woke up in a hospital bed, instantly engulfed by her mum, who promised she was never letting her go.

A camera found in Berrin’s abandoned car, and subsequent discoveries at his home, revealed footage that had a number of adults, including the police, extremely concerned. Lexi’s parents tried to talk to her about it, multiple times and mostly through tears, but she stayed fully silent on the matter, despite them saying over and over that things would be OK and she had nothing to be scared about any more.

Reminders remained. Glancing around the church, she caught the watchful, lingering eye of Deacon Glen by the altar, and – like all the other children dotted around her, who shared her secrets, or at least their own versions, amongst adults who couldn’t understand such stubborn mass secrecy – knew the consequential eternity of pain and suffering for her family should she ever speak out.