Iguana Summer

by Darcie Johnson

The summer I turned fourteen I remember sittin’ on the front porch of Aunt Lil’s farmhouse wonderin’ if it would ever stop rainin.’

The rain had started early in June, and by the end of the month it was ruinin’ my summer. Probably ruinin’ lotsa people’s summers. It seemed like it was all anyone wanted to talk about. Every time I turned on the radio, they were talkin’ about rivers crestin’. Or sandbags. Where to get ‘em, where to lay ‘em, who needed help with ‘em. If I never heard the word sandbag again in my life, I wouldn’t miss out on nothin.’

My friend Annie invited me to her pool a bunch of times in the very beginnin’ of summer, and I was startin’ to think that summer was gonna be one of the best. Not many people had a pool, but Annie’s family had a nice big one in their backyard with a wood deck all around it. Our neighbor, Duane, would come over, too. He liked to make us laugh by doin’ funny flips while we dried off in the sun. I loved it when her mom brought us sandwiches and pop and called me ‘Honey.’ But then it started rainin’ more and we’d have to get out of the pool 'cuz there was lightnin’. Or those tornado sirens would go off. It got to where we stopped tryin’ to swim at all.

The summer was turnin’ into a big ol’ bust until Mama showed up with Marlin. She popped up every now and then. We never really knew when she was comin’ or how long she’d stay. She’d show up all sorts of different ways. Sometimes she’d have a new tattoo, or a new hair color. Sometimes she was happy and sometimes she’d just lay in Aunt Lil’s bed cryin’ before leavin’ again a week later. Once in a while, she’d have a new guy with her, but never the same one twice. I remember one in particular. He smelled like mint and cigarettes and laughed at everythin’ Mama said. I liked him the best ‘cuz he brought me a bracelet and looked right at me when I talked. But just like the rest, he was there once and never again. Aunt Lil told me that’s how it was with my dad. Mama showed up one day married. “Happy as a lark,” Aunt Lil used to say. His name was Jerry. Maybe Terry. Nobody really remembered. Next time she came ‘round, she didn’t mention him at all but had a cute little new baby. That was me. Aunt Lil guessed Mama got a divorce. Or an annulment, whatever that is. She also said that was the time Mama stayed the longest, which used to make me feel pretty good. I asked her once if I was sad when Mama left, but that made Aunt Lil cry, so I didn’t ask nothin’ like that again.

When Mama showed up the rainy summer, I heard her “good luck” horseshoe keychain janglin’ in the door, and I knew it was her right away ‘cuz no one else made that kinda ruckus. I ran to the door like I always did, even though she usually told me to give her some space, and there she was with Marlin sittin’ on her shoulder. Marlin was some kinda lizard. Mama went into Aunt Lil’s kitchen where everyone always sat around the table chattin’ about this and that. Whenever she showed up, Aunt Lil always acted like it was normal to see her, “Oh, hey Charlene!” Whether it was a month or a year. So I heard the typical, “Oh, hey Charlene'' and I followed along into the kitchen. Mama, not in the house for more than three minutes, was already reclined back in her chair with a lit cigarette, halfway into some story she was tellin’ Aunt Lil.

“So, I was workin’ at this restaurant down in Sikeston. You know the one. We ate there once as kids?”

I remember Mama talkin’ and Aunt Lil listenin’ and laughin’ and no one mentionin’ this lizard! Who walks into a house with a lizard on their shoulder without an explanation? Mama, that’s who.

I stood in the doorway while Mama and Aunt Lil chatted like everythin’ was normal and I sat alongside 'em with an eye on the lizard. I had never seen a lizard before in real life. If it was a cat, I coulda told if it was scared or angry, but it’s harder with a lizard, least ‘til you get to know it. After a while she said he was an iguana named Marlin, but she never really told us where he came from.

Mama had a room at Aunt Lil’s where she always slept, so Marlin stayed in there with her. The first few days she was there, Marlin went everywhere Mama went. But then Mama started leavin’ him in the room by hisself. And after a few more days, he was livin’ in the bathroom.

I started sittin’ in the bathroom with Marlin, just to visit at first. But I started worryin’ that Mama wasn’t feedin’ him enough, so I started givin’ him those little pellets she had. I couldn’t help but wonder if he wanted somethin’ else though. I woulda been hungry if all I had to eat was stinky brown pellets. So, one afternoon I talked Aunt Lil into drivin’ me to the pet store when she did her errands. I carried him in my lap the whole way there. Duane had been hangin’ around the house and said he was bored so he came with us. That's how I found out Marlin wasn’t an iguana but a bearded dragon. The man at the pet store gave me a list of fruits and veggies he might like. Then he straight-faced said I should feed him some crickets or somekinda worm. He musta been able to tell by the look on my face that I didn’t like that idea ‘cuz he offered to feed him a few crickets which was real nice. Once I told him Marlin was livin’ in the bathroom, he seemed a little worried.

“Iguanas are ok in humid climates, but bearded dragons aren’t. The drier the better for them. And do you have a heat lamp? It’s important that they have enough heat.”

I never thought nothin’ about a heat lamp before, so I agreed to come back when I had some more money and buy him one. Duane offered to get it for me, but I didn’t think he should go spendin’ his money on somethin’ that was supposed to be Mama’s.

Before we left, the man at the store reminded me to keep feedin’ him those pellets and maybe some greens and said, “don’t forget he needs more crickets.” I just nodded and tried not to make that same face.

Back in the car, Duane took a polaroid of Marlin sittin’ on my lap and said he’d feed him crickets anytime I wanted, which I thought was real nice, too. When we got home, Aunt Lil got me some greens from the fridge and he ate those right up. That night, I started layin’ out in the grass with Marlin once the crickets really got goin.’ I was hopin’ he’d be able to catch one on his own, but I don’t think he ever did.

I told Mama the man at the pet store said Marlin wasn’t an iguana but was a bearded dragon. Mama said she ain’t never heard of dragons havin’ beards and she thought the man was probably pullin’ my leg. I knew he wasn’t, he’d been all serious, still I knew Mama was gonna keep thinkin’ whatever she wanted.

When I didn’t think Mama would mind, I moved Marlin from the bathroom into my room. I could tell he was happier ‘cuz there was a little patch of sun in my room where he liked to lay and he hadn’t had that in the bathroom. I liked watchin’ Marlin from my bed at night, off in the little box I made up for him in the corner. I told him it wasn’t his fault Mama stopped takin’ care of him, that was just her. She only knew how to love things when they were new.

One night when Annie was sleepin’ over, Mama was sittin’ in the kitchen with some friends. I didn’t like it much when she had friends over. They were loud and the kitchen got so smoky I could smell it all the way up in my room. We tried to stay hidden away but had to come out for somethin’ to eat after a while. As we searched the cabinets for food, Mama hollered over to me to bring her, “my iguana.” I won’t lie, hearin’ her say that made me a little angry. First of all, he wasn’t really an iguana and second, it had been a while since Mama even looked in Marlin’s direction. I knew she just wanted to show him off. She thought walkin’ around with an iguana made her seem different, and since I didn’t know any other mamas that did that, I guess it did. I nodded at her and said I’d bring him out after we ate, but once we got back to my room Annie asked and I told her, “No way I’m takin’ Marlin out there.”

When we woke up the next mornin,’ Marlin wasn’t in his box or in the sunny patch on my floor. I don’t think I was really that worried at first, until I found out Mama had come in when we were sleepin’ and gotten Marlin to show off to her friends. She said they put him on the table, and he seemed pretty happy there, so she just left him.

“Why didn’t you bring him back to my room?” I could feel the panic risin’ in my stomach and tears burnin’ behind my eyes.

“I figured he’d find his way back, he’s a smart little guy.”

Me and Annie tore the house apart lookin’ for Marlin. I thought maybe he went back to the bathroom since he had lived there so long, but he wasn’t there. Then we checked the pantry near his food; no Marlin there either. I was upset, but I don’t think it occurred to me at first that maybe I wouldn’t ever see Marlin again. I was just worried about him gettin’ scared or hungry. Aunt Lil’s house wasn’t huge, but it was still an old farmhouse with lotsa nooks and crannies. Annie had the idea to go room to room and look everywhere, under beds, in drawers, behind drapes. That idea made me feel better, 'cuz I thought it meant we’d find him no matter where he was. We went upstairs armed with iguana pellets and greens and searched room after room, then searched the downstairs the same way. Aunt Lil even let me search her room where I wasn’t usually allowed, but we didn’t find Marlin.

When Annie had to go home, I kept on lookin’ and after a while Aunt Lil joined me. I could tell she didn’t really understand why I was so upset, but she helped me anyway and I think I loved her even more after that. She helped me search the attic and the space under the house. We searched in the old barn that barely anyone even went in anymore. We searched by the pond behind the house even though I knew Marlin didn’t like gettin’ wet. I didn’t understand why Marlin woulda gone anywhere other than our house.

Part of me wondered if Mama did it on purpose. Was she jealous of Marlin? Usually when she came home, she got all my attention. I wasn’t sure she liked sharin’ it with him. I asked Mama again if she was sure she had left Marlin on the table. Maybe she had taken him somewhere else and forgot? Let him ride on her shoulder like he used to. But, no, she said. She was sure she left him on the table.

That night I sat outside in the dark and, for the first time, I caught a cricket for Marlin. I put him in a jar in my room with a few holes punched in the top and made a deal with God that if he’d just help me, I’d promise to feed Marlin crickets from now on. As many as he wanted. But after a while, I got to thinkin’ about that little cricket chirpin’ in the jar and wondered if his family was lookin’ for him like I was lookin’ for Marlin. So, I tiptoed outside and let that cricket go and told God that once Marlin was back, I’d get him all the crickets he wanted. Then I cried and cried until I fell asleep.

Annie came the next day and so did Duane and we looked some more, even though it was rainin.’ Annie even brought some berries her mom thought Marlin might like, all cut up for him. It made me tear up a little thinkin’ about findin’ Marlin and givin’ him the berries. We did another search of the house top to bottom and another search of the outside but didn’t find any trace of Marlin. In the house, Mama just sat smokin’ at the table like always.

“That iguana sure is lucky you care so much about him. But I wonder if he didn’t just wander away? Maybe he likes it better outside?”

I gritted my teeth. “Bearded dragons don’t really like the rain, Mama, he’s supposed to be in dry places.”

“Well, maybe he’s different from the others? You know I’m a little different than the rest, maybe he is, too?”

I hated her in that second. I wanted to scream and cry and tell Mama how she was nothin’ like Marlin, but Annie tugged me away before I said any of it.

Annie and Duane came over every day that week, but eventually we spent less and less time lookin’ for Marlin. There were only so many places to check. And once the rain started to slow, we ended up layin’ in the sun by the pond or watchin’ the fireflies blink at dusk. But I couldn’t help but wonder about Marlin every time I heard the crickets start up. We’d still look for him of course or talk about him, but when you’re a kid nothin’ stays urgent forever.

Even after some time, it made my stomach hurt every time I wondered what happened to Marlin. The not knowin’ was the worst. Was he hungry? Scared? Sick? Did he wonder where I was or why I wasn’t feedin’ him? I worried for weeks about him out there alone. I missed Marlin for a long time after that. I think I missed him more than I missed Mama when she finally left again. I was used to her being gone, but I had thought he’d stay for good.

“Sorry about Marlin,” she said as she got into her car. “You were good with him. I’ve never been great at takin’ care of things.”

When she said that, I knew she hadn’t done it on purpose. Mama was lotsa things, and was bad at lotsa things, but she never meant to be mean. Sometimes, when I tell people about Mama, they feel sorry for me. But it wasn’t like that. I was happy livin’ with Aunt Lil. It was just how it always was. We never really knew where she was, but she always came back. It never seemed to bother Aunt Lil, so I figured why let it bother me?

By the end of the summer, Duane kissed me, so I guessed I was his girlfriend. I wasn’t too surprised since he had hung around my Aunt Lil’s so much that summer. Still, in the moment I wasn’t expectin’ it. Annie had gone to the house for somethin,’ and I was sittin’ up listenin’ to him tell a story then boom, he kissed me smack on the lips. I hadn’t really thought anythin’ special about him before, but I sure liked how it felt to know he thought special about me.

I often wondered what really happened to Marlin. I know he most likely got lost and starved. He couldn’t have cut it out in the rain or the cold. But sometimes I daydream that he’s still out there. I like to think those days of being lost and scared are behind him. I hope he’s livin’ high on the hog somewhere in the foothills of our farm. Laying in the sun. Findin’ those greens he liked so much. In my daydreams he’s learned to catch his own crickets. Part of me still hopes I’ll find him one day, and he’ll come back to live with me for good. I hope when he thinks about us, he doesn’t remember Mama or how she didn’t care enough to even look for him. I bet he woulda been hurt about that. He wouldn’t have understood that was just how she was. She didn’t know how to love no one. Not even herself. She certainly didn’t know how to love a bearded dragon.

I still have that polaroid Duane took of me and Marlin. It’s sittin’ on the table next to my bed. When I look at it, I also think about Mama. And Duane and Annie. The river risin.’ How in life sometimes so many things can happen in not that much time. But mostly I think about Marlin. Even though he didn’t get to live with me for very long, I hope he remembers me. I hope somewhere in him he knows how much I loved him. I hope he knows if he wants it, this farm will always be his home.