Goodnight

by Lila Ndinsil

2+2=4. 4-1=3.

I use my fingers to help me count how much is left if I remove two from three. As I’m nearing my answer, I’m distracted by my brother’s loud snore. I sigh heavily, frustrated I lost count. At three years old, he’s still too scared to sleep in his own room. Sometimes I wish he grew up faster, because there’s a lot of things he can’t do because he’s too scared or too young. When he was born, he couldn’t do anything at all and it was really boring. Mom had gotten me all excited about having a baby brother, but what’s the point if he can’t play tag or eat jelly beans or even count to ten! I wish he had been seven when he was born so we could do fun things together. Actually, I wish he had been six. He can’t be my younger brother if we’re the same age.

5+7=

Again, a loud snore interrupts me. I sigh once more and glance at the clock for maybe the sixth time in the last minute. Or maybe I think it was a minute. I’m still not too sure how long a minute is supposed to be. Anyway, I see the big hand is close to the five and the small hand is close to the one. They aren’t really hands, but Dad says that’s what we call them. I have to wait until the small hand is on the two, that’s what Grandpa said. I don’t know if that’s soon, but I decide to get out of bed anyway. I’d rather go to the hill early than keep listening to this nosy person - that means a person who makes too much noise. Book. B-O-K. Wall. W-A-L. Floor. F-L-O-A-R.

I keep looking around for other words I can spell. There are a lot of things in the house, but there are a lot of words I don’t know how to spell, so I just choose the easy ones, like table. It’s T-A-B-U-L. Or was it B-O-L-E? I can’t remember. I walk down the stairs one by one, holding the rail tightly because it’s dark and I don’t want to slip. Usually I run down the stairs, but Mom gets mad, so if she were awake right now, she’d be happy to see me walking. I don’t know if I should hurry up or slow down. Grandpa said when the small hand is on the two we can see the meteor shower. I already showered today so I hope he won’t make me do it again. Anyway, he said it’s very beautiful, but it only happens in the middle of the night so I need to stay awake so I don’t miss it. He thought I would fall asleep but I’ll show him! I’ve gotten really good at staying awake.

Peter Piper picked pepper and peeled the picked party portion and...

I try to remember the rest. Doing things that make my brain work, like remembering things, helps me stay awake. Was it Peter Piper picked a party, or pepper pickles partly, or...? I forget. Grandma says we say, “I forget,” and not, “I forgot,” but I can’t remember why. I forget. I sneak into the kitchen for a midnight snack. Maybe it’s not midnight yet but I think it’s soon. Mom says sugar keeps us awake so she won’t let us have it at night. But this is a special occasion because I need to stay awake to watch the meteor shower with Grandpa. Maybe I’ll arrive at the hill before him and he’ll be so surprised he’ll be grounded - that means he’ll jump up and down from the ground because he’s so happy.

4+4=8. 8-1=7.

I count the cookies left in the jar. Seven is still a lot. 8-2=6. I nod and take out two cookies from the jar. Mom loves making cookies. Actually, it’s all she ever makes because the cooks make everything else, but they let her make the cookies. These ones are red velvet and they’re really good. I thought we would offer them to the people who came to see Grandpa the other day. I think they were going to a party because they were wearing matching clothes. Actually, I think they were going to a sleepover because Grandpa stayed with them for a little while. They came in a big white truck that had loud music. Mom says teenagers often play loud music and drive fast to make a lot of noise. They were probably teenagers. I don’t want to become a teenager because Grandma says they’re disrespectful and self-centred - that means they like to be in the centre of the room all by themselves. So I’m just going to become an adult right away so that I stay respectful of others.

Cookie. C-O-O-K-Y.

I try not to leave any crumbs while I’m eating because Mom doesn’t like that, but it’s hard and half my cookie ends up on the floor. I’m scared to leave more crumbs so I shove the second cookie quickly in my mouth. Thankfully, this time I don’t make a mess. Maybe that’s how I should eat my cookies from now on? I bend down to pick up the crumbs on the floor and I count them one by one. There’s a lot so it takes some time and halfway through I just give up. Maybe the maids will take care of it tomorrow. Is it already tomorrow? Dad says the day changes in the middle of the night; that’s why we say “midnight.” Maybe it’s midnight.

Amsterdam is in the Netherlands and the Netherlands is in the Europe and the Europe is in the world.

Grandma showed me on the map one day. She said we live in an S-tate in the skirts of Amsterdam. I don’t understand how a country can have skirts. Or maybe it’s a city? Anyway, that’s where we live so that I know if I ever get lost. She also showed me on the map where a big earthquake had hit when she was a little girl. I thought she was always a grandma, but she showed me a picture that had no colours and there was a little girl that looked like her, so I guess she was telling the truth. I keep walking towards the main living room because that’s where the door to go outside is. Well, there are a lot of doors to go outside but this one is the closest to the hill behind our house - I mean our S-tate. Our doors have a code and a lock because we have a lot of valuable things inside. Those are things that can be bought with a lot of money and that a lot of people want. I think Grandpa is valuable. I don’t know if you can buy him with money but I know many people want to be with him. The other day we had an event for him. It was a party but it was not his birthday. Mom says sometimes we can have a party for someone even when it’s not their birthday, like when they did something amazing. Grandpa did a lot of amazing things and that’s why now he’s so old and tired all the time. There were a lot of people at the party and Dad says it’s because a lot of people like Grandpa.

5x5=10. 3x6=9.

I’m getting sleepier and additions weren’t enough to keep me awake anymore, so I had to step up my game - I read that in a book one day. I didn’t start multiplications yet in school, but I think I already got the hang of it. When we say five times five, does it mean the same as five plus five? I’ll ask Grandpa when we watch the shower. I put in the code to open the door, but I was thinking about 5x5 in my head so I press the number 5 by accident. There is a loud siren and I’m scared it will wake up everyone in the house. Quickly, I enter the right number - it’s 0133 - and the alarm stops. I quietly push the door open and look behind me to see if anyone is coming, but there’s no one. I sigh - the light kind of sigh, not the heavy one - and head outside.

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round...

Apparently singing can help us go through a hard time. I find it hard to walk up the hill behind our house because it’s very big. I thought singing would help, but I just feel more tired. I rub my eyes a lot to stay awake. I can’t fall asleep now or else I’ll miss the meteor shower and Grandpa will say, “I told you so,” because he did tell me so. It’s OK, I’m used to feeling this way now. All I have to do is keep my eyes open and my brain working. Maybe that’s what Grandpa should do. He’s always sleeping. Mom says old people sleep a lot because they’re tired. I don’t like it because that means I can’t talk to him whenever I want. Like at that party. But that was because there were so many people and everyone wanted to see him. Grandpa is very popular.

2x3=5. 5x4=

My mind is fuzzy and I yawn many times. I look up at the sky to see if the shower started but I don’t think so because I don’t see anything special. I try my best to stay awake until Grandpa comes, but it’s really hard. I hope he comes soon.

At that moment, I hear someone yell my name from behind and I turn around.

“What are you doing out here?!”

Mom runs towards me, all panicky. As soon as she gets close, she checks me all over.

“I heard the alarm. Did something happen?”

“It’s OK; I just messed up the code because I was thinking of 5x5.”

She looks at me, confused, and then shakes her head.

“Whatever. You should be in bed right now.”

This time, I shake my head.

“No, I can’t sleep. Or else I’ll miss the shower.”

Mom looks even more confused and a little bit mad.

“Shower... what? What are you going on about again?”

“I’m waiting for Grandpa so we can see the shower in the sky. I mean the... what was it again?”

She doesn’t wait for me to remember and grabs my arm.

“You have to go to sleep. Remember what the doctor said?”

“No, I don’t. I forgot. Or I forget? Ah, which one was it again?”

“See? This is what he was saying. You’re forgetting things now. You have to sleep!”

“No, I can’t!”

“And why not?”

“Because it’s dangerous!”

Mom pauses and stares deep into my eyes. I heard that the eyes are the mirror of the soul, so maybe I should say she stares deep into my soul.

“What’s dangerous,” she begins slowly, “is not sleeping for five days.”

“No, you’re lying! Sleep is what’s dangerous!”

“Who told you that?”

“No one; I saw it happen.”

“What happened? And to whom?”

“To Grandpa. He was sleeping for too long so they put him away. I saw it at his party.”

For the first time, I remember. His eyes were closed and everyone said he was sleeping. I wanted to see but Mom didn’t let me. She was crying. Everyone was crying because Grandpa was sleeping for so long. And even now he’s still sleeping instead of watching the whatever shower with me!

“Alya, I know it’s hard but... you need to rest. We all need to rest.”

This time, I’m the one who stares deep into her eyes. Into her soul.

“If I sleep now, will I wake up tomorrow?”

Mom looks at me with a worried expression. Before I know it, she pulls me in tightly and my face is pressed against her chest. It’s warm and soft and cozy like my bed. She whispers something in my ear but I can’t remember what it is. I’m too tired.