Free Range

by Elisa Dominique Rivera

In the forest, my secret was free. The smell of the damp earth usually gave me a bubbling sensation inside. This, in turn, made me stretch my arms upwards. I would sway my entire body to the tune of the forest sounds.

But that wasn’t my secret. I curved my lips up like a crescent moon. As I opened my mouth to expose my teeth, I pictured the letters floating in front of me. S-M-I-L-E. My secret was that I knew what ‘SMILE’ meant. I knew that the light bubbles inside my body made a smile on my face. And this was a good thing. I read it in the restricted Past Humans book.

The thought of Dr. A5H popped inside my head. My face made a smile whenever I thought of her. She had a smell that gave me tingling all over. Her voice made me stand to attention. In addition, she was more lax on me than the other doctors. I liked books, so she allowed me to spend more time in the library. I knew she would be reprimanded if the guides discovered that a stock like me had been reading restricted books.

The smile disappeared.

“G1N4, report requested,” a soft, modulated voice said inside my head.

I cleared my throat. “Species FA3478 still have eggs in their nests. Negative on any chicks hatching,” I said, the toneless sound bouncing off the trees, ferns, and moss that surrounded me.

“Good job, G1N4. Retreat to the farm and start Chore ID H89.”

“Affirmative,” I replied, noting that my guide didn’t specify a time for me to be at the farm.

I walked barefoot down the path towards my vehicle. Most stocks would use their legs to run and reach their destination as fast as they could. But the sensation of grass between my toes was slowing my walk. I realized that I was rubbing my breasts with my left hand as well. I stopped walking, leaned on an oak tree, and sighed. There it was again. These sensations were happening more frequently. My body rocked after a few minutes of touching. I’m sure stocks are not supposed to feel these sensations. I read something about pleasure and sexuality. Farm-bred human stocks shouldn’t have these. We are bred for doing chores. I had to let Dr. A5H know. I know she’ll fix any defects in my body. I stood straight and fixed my garments. I shook my legs. They needed to take me to the vehicle before the guide spoke inside my head again.

I screamed when I saw the time on the dashboard clock. How could half an hour have gone? My neck and shoulders became tense, anticipating a loud voice that could boom inside my head at any time. But that would not have been the worst punishment for stocks. The high-pitched ringing sound they played inside our heads while they put us in the dark solitary cell for days was something I would like to avoid. The stocks who came out of that punishment became defective. Eventually, defective stocks were asked to walk the path to the Shinu garden. Nobody came back from the Shinu garden.

As I was parking the vehicle near the mess hall of the Stocks’ area my guide’s voice stated, “G1N4, you have taken forty-five minutes longer than necessary to return from the fauna forest to the farm. Report to the main lab in five minutes.”

My heart was beating faster than normal as I ran along the building corridors which made up the perimeter of the horseshoe-shaped farm complex. This was the only way to reach the main lab because stocks were not allowed in the center yard. If I had known that I would have to visit the main lab, I would have parked on the Doctor’s Den side and not the Stocks’ side. I gritted my teeth, while successively doing shallow breaths. I tried ignoring my body’s reaction to the reasoning happening inside of me. A question kept being repeated: Why are there so many illogical policies for stocks in this farm? Like stocks not being allowed in the center yard?

“Afternoon, G1N4.” A stock greeted me at the main lab reception.

“Afternoon, B8T0,” I said breathlessly.

“Dr. T3D1 will be with you shortly.”

“Dr. T3D1? My doctor is Dr. A5H.”

“She’s busy right now,” B8T0 uttered before I could ask where my doctor was.

“Come in, G1N4,” Dr.T3D1 ushered me in.

I stood in the middle of the examination room and waited for instructions. I made sure that my shoulders were straight, head held high, breathing regular, limbs relaxed. The farm doctors trained all stocks to be “at ease” when they examined us.

“Take your garments off.”

“Affirmative,” I used my most guide-like voice.

I noticed Dr. T3D1 was taking notes on his Medipad.

“Ready to be examined,” I stated, standing naked in the middle of the room.

Dr. T3D1 stood right in front of me. He stared in my direction but not at me. I avoided his gaze in return by looking right ahead. There was a window opening to the center yard. It was springtime and all the willow trees were billowing over the tulips on the ground. It was very difficult not to make a smile.

The doctor pulled my face in every direction and opened my eyes to stare at my pupils. He asked me to open my mouth and looked deep down my throat. A powerful penlight was inserted up my nose canal. He did the same thing to my ears. I could see that he was ticking off the list on his Medipad. My body felt less tense. He raised my arms, looked at my armpits close, and smelled my pheromones. Then the doctor took out a small measuring device and measured both my nipples. He took a chair and sat in front of me. He looked between my legs and pulled the skin open to examine further.

“Lie down on that bed, G1N4,” he ordered.

I looked at his face and it was crumpled like the paper I used to throw on the floor when the guides were teaching me how to write. The doctor speed-typed something and left the room.

I laid there. I made sure I was following instructions. I didn’t move a limb or my head that was too small for the foam pillow underneath. It was almost an hour before the doctor came back.

“Let’s have a look at you, G1N4,” A gentle voice that sounded like honey reached my ears.

It was her. My doctor.

I looked at her amber eyes and was suddenly aware of my nakedness.

“I will examine your internals now.”

I nodded. I was sweating and my heart was definitely not beating regularly. I closed my hands into a fist and tensed when Doctor A5H parted my legs. I caught her eyes as they moved from my clenched fist to my face. She stood up suddenly.

“G1N4, I am instructing you to explain why you have your hands clenched into a fist.” Doctor A5H said. I could hear a shaking in her voice that I never heard before.

“I haven’t had the time to analyze, doctor. My body is behaving in strange manners lately. It started happening after my twenty-first cycle.” I looked down because the heaviness in me seemed to take over my eyes. There was water welling and it started dropping from my eyes. Some of the water flowed into my lips. The saltiness of it felt apt for the heaviness in my body.

“Stand up, G1N4.” Doctor A5H’s voice was gentle. It didn’t sound like an order. I looked up to see that her eyes were almost watery as mine, “Do you know what a promise is, G1N4?”

“I read it in the Past Human books. A promise is when one human assures another human that something will definitely happen or that one of the humans will definitely do something.”

“Correct.” Doctor A5H whispered. Then she lifted my chin with her right hand. She looked straight into my eyes and said, “Promise me you won’t tell any doctors, guides or stocks about this.”

“Promise.”

###

My eyes opened and slowly I became aware that there were voices behind a curtain where I laid down.

“What are we going to do?” Doctor T3D1’s voice was nervous.

“We don’t have enough data. I don’t want to alarm the guides until we have enough evidence.” Doctor A5H said in a hushed tone.

“Genetically modified organic humans are farmed for manual labor. GMO human brains have been designed after an Alexithymia mind. They are emotionally mute but can feel sensations. So, G1N4’s brain formed new synapses between the hemispheres?” I heard Doctor T3D1’s voice as if he was reading from a farm-breeding manual.

“They are living dolls that answer to all instructions and please the rest of the civilization. Having emotions complicates that purpose.” Doctor A5H said.

“What are we going to do? Do we count G1N4 as defective?”

“No, no. I’ll have to study the stock further, but it can’t be in the lab.”

“Where are you going to take G1N4?” Doctor T3D1 whispered in exasperation.

“To the cabin behind the complex. I think it’s been abandoned.”

I hugged the blanket while I forced my eyes not to leak salty water again. The word ‘emotion’ kept repeating inside my head.

###

“Put your bag on the floor over there, G1N4,” Doctor A5H instructed.

I did as instructed, then stood straight waiting for the next order. After two days I learned to regulate my breathing so that no sign of emotion was evident to Doctor A5H. Watching her walk around the cabin checking the comfortable couches, opening the kitchen cupboards, and turning on light switches made my body relax.

“You can sit down,” the doctor ordered while her back faced me.

I sat down on the leather armchair instead of the couch. The doctor tilted her head and moved her mouth as if to make a smile. She sat opposite me. I tried not to look into her eyes because I needed to focus on not showing emotion.

“Are you aware why I brought you here, G1N4?”

“Negative, doctor,” I said using my guide voice again.

“I want to get to know you better.”

“Know me better?”

“When a fully sentient human like me says “know” what we mean is we want to get more information. Even beyond what is visible,” she said.

“Beyond what is visible?”

Doctor A5H leaned in and put her elbow on the couch’s armrest, “Tell me more about the sensations you’re feeling all over your body. And smiling.”

I found my right hand rubbing on top of my left hand vigorously, so I abruptly stopped it. I swallowed a few times before I asked, “What is emotion, doctor?”

“Did you notice that you didn’t answer my question? Stocks are meant to follow instructions at all times, G1N4,” she tilted her head and did a slight smile. I was analyzing her movements to see if I would be punished for this, but her actions seemed… approachable.

“My body’s been malfunctioning, doctor. There are sensations appearing that were not there before and my face has been doing a smile and water keeps leaking from my eyes.”

“Do you know when the sensations happen? Could you tell me a particular incident or external stimuli for your body to react like this?”

“When I am in the forest and I’m barefooted on the grass. My toes go all tickly. The tickle travels up towards here,” I said pointing to my groin area. “Then I rub my nipples like this.”

“You don’t have to show me now, G1N4. Any other external stimuli?”

“You, doctor.”

“Me?”

“Whenever you come into my mind. My face makes a smile.”

“Is there something about me that makes you smile?”

I bowed my head to find that I’m rubbing my hands harder. I looked up with some water leaking from my eyes. “I haven’t analyzed it yet, doctor. Is there a way to fix this? My eyes are leaking water and my chest hurts.”

Doctor A5H stood up to come closer to me. She sat on the coffee table between the armchair and the couch so that she could put her left hand on my folded rubbing hands. She handed me a cloth.

“Here that’s for your tears.”

“Tears?”

“The water leaking from your eyes.”

“Am I defective, doctor?”

“Not at all, G1N4. You’re just being human just like me.”

“I’m a stock. I’m not like you.”

“We’re going to find out how you became like me.”

###

I noticed that the cabin windows were wide open and the doctor was not around. Panicked, I stood right up.

“Hey, I’m here. I was just making you breakfast.” Her voice always calmed me down.

“I...I felt… scared?” I stammered while stating my emotion. I’m still getting used to labelling them.

“Good,” Doctor A5H smiled and my scare evaporated away.

“Today we’ll go through some of the tests I did the other day. Studying your brain and your body. Is that affirmative for you, G1N4?”

“Yes, doctor. Will I have time to garden today?”

“If you get through the tests and finish before sundown then yes.”

I smiled.

My days as a non-stock were easier. No more running everywhere, no more guides in my head, and the doctor permitted me to read books and tend the garden. My most favorite things to do. The doctor said favorite meant things that made me do a smile.

I have been learning about emotions with the doctor. She told me about happiness, sadness, being scared, anger, relief, annoyance, and love. The doctor said love was a very hard emotion to learn. She said past humans wrote so many texts and books about it.

Our days at the cabin were full of smiles. The doctor made sure I was well fed and she taught me about so many things like sounds that make music and words that describe emotions called poems.

Sometimes when the doctor thought I was already asleep she would put her lips on my forehead and stroke my hair. I knew I couldn’t move my lips, but inside I was doing a smile.

After so many months I was beginning to forget what it was like being a stock. I was gardening one afternoon with the doctor reading a book just on the side of the cabin when I saw her stand to attention. I watched as her face stiffened right in front of me. It happened every time a guide’s voice spoke in her head.

“You will follow my instructions, G1N4.” I’ve never heard her use that stern voice before.

“Yes, Doctor A5H,” was my automatic reply.

My eyes started watering. I saw her face crumple before she could turn and go inside the cabin.

I followed her inside the cabin where I saw other doctors standing in the lounge room. Doctor A5H pushed me behind her. “Let’s not scare the stock. Or else they’ll run away. Let me walk them through the farm’s stockyard.”

“You are under instructions, doctor.”

“Affirmative.”

The doctor grabbed my arm and dragged me across the center yard of the farm. That would be the first time I would walk in the center yard. I felt my heart race. I tried to turn and look at the doctor, but her strides were too wide and fast. My stock legs have not been exercised.

“Doctor A5H, where are you taking me?”

“I didn’t instruct you to speak, G1N4.” Her strangled voice made me feel heavy.

We kept walking past the different buildings of the farm complex. For the first time in a while, I saw the wide floor-to-ceiling windows of the nursery. This is where my kind, the farm-bred human stock, were incubated. Thousands of sacks were hanging from the ceiling with growing humans inside them.

I stopped in front of the building and stared.

“G1N4, you weren’t instructed to stop walking.”

With tears streaming from my eyes, I asked, “What will happen to others who have thoughts and feelings like me?”

“There’ll be no others–”

“Where are you taking me, doctor A5H?”

She turned and started walking. I followed until we reached a part of the farm that was usually restricted. It was a quiet garden surrounded by tall bamboo trees bending inwards to form an umbrella on a path.

“Walk in front of me.” The doctor’s honeyed voice was back.

I walked slowly in front of her. “In the cabin, you weren’t fixing me. My reasoning was because you were being, what’s it called? Showing kindness? That you were doing that. But you weren’t, were you?”

“I’m ordering you to stop talking.”

“Is there no room for a human stock like me in this world?”

“Human stocks are for manual labor and non-sentient work. We needed to know how you became more… in touch with your thoughts and feelings.” The doctor sounded like she had tears in her eyes because she kept sniffling. I turned around and saw her sad face.

“I could be a doctor like you.”

“You are defective, G1N4. A farm-bred human shouldn’t be sentient.”

“But I am.”

“This farm and other farms are not equipped for farm-bred humans who develop sentience.”

“We can hide and run away.”

“Where? This entire planet is a farm. We don’t have any ships to leave and even if we did, there’s nowhere else in the galaxy--” the doctor’s voice became high-pitched and her tears kept flowing.

Suddenly her face straightened. Her eyes widened while reaching into her satchel. She signaled for me to run. But I didn’t want to leave her so I stood where I was.

“G1N4, you are a defective stock. I’m ordering you to turn around!”

“Love. Tell me more about love.”

“I am instructed to destroy you, G1N4.”

I stepped closer to her then felt a burning sensation around my abdomen. I looked down and there was blood oozing out of my body.

“This is love.” Doctor A5H said before everything went black.